It's my favorite time of the month: time to release yet another excerpt from Violets Are Blue! Enjoy, ladies, and please leave a comment if you have any suggestions on how I can improve. :)
Father informed all of us of the pending move at the breakfast table a few days later. The rest of the children seemed to take the news remarkably well. Robert, my nine year old brother, was especially excited because we would be crossing the ocean on a ship. He was eagerly questioning Father about the fine details of our voyage, as if completely ignorant of the fact that we were leaving the only home we’d ever known.
Emma was the only one to show some sort of emotion that was not excited when Father made his announcement. Her eyes grew wide with shock and sorrow, and a hand flew to her throat.
“Leaving?” she asked, her voice cracking. “We’re leaving Eastbourne?”
“Yes, dear,” Mum said, stroking her eldest daughter’s hand. “Your father and I don’t feel comfortable raising you children in such unreliable circumstances. We have never had disreputable characters come to the boarding house before, but after the incident on Tuesday…” Her voice trailed off.
Emma seemed to be holding back tears. Her voice was unsteady as she asked to be excused. Mum nodded her head, and I watched my sister leave the room.
At least she understands, I thought bitterly. No one else seemed to care. The rest of my siblings were actually excited about this move. Aren’t they sad to leave their friends at school? What about our church? I gulped. What about Lilli?
I didn’t want to think about her at this moment, so I tried to speak cheerfully as I asked Mum, “When will we depart?”
“As soon as your father can arrange tickets for us on a ship that is leaving soon,” Mum said. “Two weeks, at most.”
Two weeks. The words were like chains. Just two more weeks of happiness.
How would I tell Lilli?
Wonderful! The only thing I think that could some change is your wording in a few places. No offense intended! Of course, that is your writing style, so you can just ignore me.
ReplyDeleteWonder job, Lizzie Rose! :) The only thing I think you could improve on (and this isn't a mistake, per se) is putting more description into the scenes. Show us that this story is happening in an Edwardian household, not in a void. I had to learn this with my novel set in British occupied East India--the story could have been set anytime anywhere. You could add bits in...something like this:
ReplyDelete"...and I watched my sister leave the room. Her grey woolen skirt swished wide as she dashed into the hallway, rustling the leaves of the potted geranium that propped the door open..."
Something along those lines. Seemingly unimportant, but it will bring your setting to life."
Rachel: Thank you! And yes, I know. :P I really need to work on that. I can write dialogue very easily, but descriptions are harder. Since I can "see" the scene in my head as I'm writing it, I often forget that readers won't be able to imagine it exactly as I do without describing the setting.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting!
Have a blessed day in Christ,
Elizabeth Rose
Ah, Lizzy! You have such a way with words! It's lovely.
ReplyDeleteVery lovely! I really enjoy the excerpts, they make me want to read the book! :) And they inspire me to write my own book. Which I hope to do someday.
ReplyDelete~Elizabeth